The boy i knew, would never have aaid what he said yesterday. Will i be able to move on and get over this? 04 december is taylor swift concert, will he be doing it again?!! Ohmygosh. I really feel i dont know him. Where??? Where was the boy i knew and loved so much?? Sigh.
Ever since my previous love affair abt 4 years ago, i have never wanted to be in a relationship since because it was so painful when someone you trust ends up hurting you. And when i got together with N, i thought it was a safe bet. I have been good friends with him for 4 years prior to being together and now, 2.5 years since we have been together. It is not a matter of whether it is a safe bet but i thought i knew him inside out and the thing is, after knowing him for 6.5 years, i thought i knew him and can accept all his strength and weaknesses. I, too, have plenty plenty plenty of weaknesses. More than him, perhaps. And all his love .. And suddenly, i discover a side to him i never expect. I really really never imagined this side of him. The side that thinks what he has done is okay and will continue to do it. Its illegal and so bad, so bad for the body. And now, hes upset with me??!! Its not the thing itself that im upset, but its the mindset he has. I thought i knew him. Him! Of all people, the person i knew the most. And he still blames me when i care so much?!!!!! Has he changed??? Or have i changed???!!!
I know i have changed. I dont know why i have been so down and out. But him! Of all people. Right now, i hate his friends too. Why?! Why do they do this?! Dont they know it may be fun for a night but how worrying it can be?! Whyy???!! Why must they drag him too? And why why whyy cant he be sensible enough?!i dont want to be the one to pick his dead body up like lea did to cory monteith!
What else do i not know about him? And are all relationships like that?! Will there be a point in every relationship where you suddenly realise the person you have been loving all along.. Isnt exactly who you thought you loved? What else dont i know about him?!!!!!!!
This time, its different. I cant talk to people about this. What if i get him into trouble? Sigh. I wished i didnt care so much. And suddenly, the person whom i trust the most turns out to be someone i feel i dont know at all now. What and why?!
Sigh. I wished i was as sensible as derrick. Im so sick to the core and disgusted at how he thinks its okay? And thinks im wrong. And still ask me to try. Is this the nathan i knew?!!!!
This world, is indeed, full of disappointments. Maybe i disappointed him too. I forgot, i forgot how disappointing the world can be. And im increasingly resistant to the idea of bringing another human being to this world to suffer this type of disappointment.
And if even, EVEN this relationship is like that, what else can i expect from other relationships? Huh?
Thank you, my blogblog! Thank u for always being here for me and letting me be myself. In my mind, if you were tangible, you would be a big fuzzy room with fuzzy long arms ready to hug me. Anytime. Even if i havent been to you in a long time. You never let me down.
Thats not the Nathan i know.
The person i thought i knew the most.. Ohgosh. I really never ever expected this side to him. Its so scary what kind of people other people would be. I feel so disgusted. Really really disgusted. Sigh. Am i overreacting? Im just so overwhelmed by shock and disappointment right now.
If even the person you know the most isnt who you think he would be, can he still be the person you know the most? :(
Luca winning the masterchef US title proved one thing.. U can lend your 2 sticks of butter and cloves of garlic and still win masterchef! :) v delighted to see this!
It was exactly one year ago… @elliaaaaalynllx @m0rganified #throwback #2ne1 #blackjacks #1December2012
Master chef finale!! I hope natasha wins!! (dont spoil me). Anyway loneliness of self discipline #00081 just now
This was the first official blogpost of this blog. i did this more than 2 years ago as a temp at NFC. i wanted to start a new blog. because 2 years and 4 months into my tumblr blog, life now is stagnant and at a standstill. i have lost my love for life. and i am getting fatter. and i am getting more selfish and more sacarstic and grumpier and bitchier.
right now, im not the flittery fluttery shirley who just found her love. im about 1.5 years into long distance relationship and right now, im in the midst of a cold war with nathan. i think when i first started out this blog, i didnt forsee this day would come. it was hard to imagine this day back then. right now, i dont even wanna hear from him because.. i feel very misunderstood and hurt by his words. something i’d never imagine would happen.
not only that, i have alienated alot of friends. all i wanna be is be on my own. just now at the purple parade, all i wanted was to go home and i felt so awkward. i hated people and i wanna go home. i wanna be alone. i feel good being alone.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
anyway, i love my bloglink too much to give this up and start a new one. i thought for a long time what new blogname i should come up with.. and pillybaxto is the most suitable word.
i desperately feel that it is time to disassemble what i have in life now and rebuild it again to find energy, life-lovingness and enthusiasm. and i need to be less sensitive. right now, i really cannot help it but feel sad about what nathan thinks of me. and what he said. and what he said even after i thought he understood me. but he didnt.
i miss blogging. im sorry, my dear blog. my true listening ear of 8 years, since my moblog, blogger days. *dusts cobwebs* now, blogging is via instagram and for the attention. sigh. what is wrong with me.
i feel lonely. i feel like im alone in this world and no one cares. well, it is my life and i probably shouldnt expect anyone to. i need to cheer myself up and be there for myself. be strong, shirley! be strong. you can do this.
let’s rebuild this thing you call “life”. was at the purple parade today and the amount of energy and cheerfulness the people with disabilities have, really made me cheer up and put me to shame as well.
come back, life-loving shirley. come back, the shirley who believed in the most absurd things. come back, the less grown up shirley who wasnt so practical and adultish and wasnt afraid to be different. come back! come back. come back, shirley whirley.
wake me up when this is over…
Mr Bean is also volunteering today! Haha.
#thepurpleparade to celebrate and embrace everyone from all walks of life. I have always believed that people with special needs are never any less than any one of us. They just belong to another culture, like the different cultures of different countries! Such fun people to come to this event with! And such vibrance and enthusiasm from everyone in this gloomy, rainy weather! @kuekj
#thepurpleparade for the special needs community to come together and celebrate life! Im ashamed because im fully able and im not half as optimistic as the crowd here. I had fun! It was very nice to see humanity at its most beautiful. Where for one day, there is no discrimination and no boundaries. Thank you #sadeaf for giving me a chance to celebrate this with you guys!
I feel like pressing the reset button which has been left to the dust and cobwebs for the past 7 years. I need to change. I need to change. I am too too tooo idle. Too idle for a 23 year old. I need to treasure my time better. Im possibly going back down that slippery slope once again. Oh dear. I want to and i need to reset.
It’s complicated @elliaaaaalynllx @m0rganified